Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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