I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
