sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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