I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
