The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
