Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
