Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize