i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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