I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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