Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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