I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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