guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
someone owes me an orgasm
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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