I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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