Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
