Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
