Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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