well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize