Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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