her vagina looked like bernie madoff
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
