Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
