Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
