Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize