Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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