I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I believe in your delicious
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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