Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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