My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Two words: nipple clamps
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