Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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