"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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