Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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