Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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