i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
