not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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