you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
