What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
