My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
