you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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