What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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