well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
