You just made me feel so damn special
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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