every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
These tits shall not be calmed
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