I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
