I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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