I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
