She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
