mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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