I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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