my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
