thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
