I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
People in love make me want to vomit
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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