Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
