to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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