There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
