Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
