just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
