I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
