shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
