R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
