I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
